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In a minute I’ll explain what she doesn’t need to know.Hopefully that will help both you and her to have more productive conversations. Are you incapable of being present in your marriage while doing recovery?It may feel like she is trying to take charge of your recovery.
If she is doing this, lovingly tell her that you want to be the one to do these things because it shouldn’t be her responsibility and isn’t fair to her. If she won’t have this conversation with you, make sure she knows you are there when she is ready to talk, and remind her of this often.
Don’t let her hold you back.” Men tell me all the time that this is the kind of advice they are being given. And it can feel like such a relief to hear that her rage and withdrawal and mood swings are not your fault. I say this not to shame you, but to hopefully help make all this a little easier on you. She is doubting everything because you gave her reason to. Ask her how you can help her feel safer about your recovery. Instead of being frustrated that she is not where you would like her to be in her healing process, consider how blessed you are that she is still here at all!
One way you can make your relationship with your wife go a little more smoothly is to keep her informed of what your recovery looks like and even allow her to be involved. Ask her what you can do to make her feel like she is a part of your recovery. If your wife is the one who sent you this article, don’t get upset or feel like she is trying to control you. The above examples of what wives want and deserve to know can feel daunting.
The kind of conversation outlined in italics above will not save your marriage, but it could be what gets the ball rolling in the right direction. Depending on where you all are, your wife may even get angry or skeptical about why you are suddenly doing this. A formal or clinical disclosure, done with the guidance of a skilled therapist, is a crucial first step to finding recovery in your marriage.
I find these are much more successful when done in the context of a couple’s three day intensive.